Only you can love me this way

Remediation Project-Engagin Media 104 Curtin University.

To see some great pics of my family take a look at the link bellow... This is part of my university project and self publishing on the internet was one of the criteria... A MUCH HARDER JOB THAN I ANTICIPATED:-)

I hope you enjoy.
Only you can love me this way
http://youtu.be/wbgoqWJ1y28

The Protector

The Protector

A tear is shed

For the protector who will never be

A baby lost in an abyss that sings such a low key

The protector she cry’s for the child she never knew

Where has she gone? What did she do?

Nothing fills the whole in the protector’s big eyes

The dream of her child gone, as her baby dies

A protector with no hope

No story to tell

She feels isolate, 

The grave she wishes was for her as well

No child to hold in her hands

No baby to feed at night

No little fingers holding on

No cuddles affectionate and tight

A protector who is now a mother with no baby

She wraps her dreams in bags

Each little bag a story that never got to be told

And a memory that never got to be had

A protector who is scared she did something wrong

To scared to do it all again

Now the low keys sing their tune

In her mind she fears she will never mend

She waits for the sun to shine again; her winter has seemed so long

She no longer protects her baby growing, but protects her hearts sad song.

I WANT MORE CHEESE

I want more cheese

Tortured and frail I lay there in a stain

As my husband bends down

To kiss me with thanks

Once again

I beg him

Please, Please Let’s not do this again

I know I am woman

But this does not feel humane

As he passes me this bundle

I kiss him so gently on his chin

All puffed up and looking ready for life

As my body feels so worn, bloodied and broken in

Here he is another little boy

Number four for me

I am not to see any pink this time

But there are no tears of regret to see

When he finds his first meal in life

He adoringly looks back, so new, so free

He is so perfect in every way

How was I so lucky he was hand picked just for me?

What I can remember of that day is still a blur and a mess

It felt like an eternity

But in reality it was probably 4 hours at best

The pain was unexplainable

And the fear in the midwives beat through my chest

This baby will it ever come out

Will we both meet in this life or the next?

Too tired to sleep through out the night

In the distance I could hear

The screams of some poor girl, in the throws of giving birth

The memories still all to clear

I hold my baby so tightly,

Thanking god that for me it did end

Her night calls keep going on and on

And I shed tears for my sister, when she is not even my friend

In a clap of time

2 years have past

My husband wistfully says

“Don’t you think it’s about time we had a little ruby between us in our bed”?

Ruby was my grandmother’s name

And with each boy I delivered

I prayed and begged,

To pass to a girl her beautiful name

And a necklace old and withered

Could I be so silly?

To do it all again

Time is passing so quickly now

The nappies are about to end

I think some days when I look in the mirror

I could be mistaken for the living dead

Fatigue is just the norm these days

In the car

Cook another meal

Clean the house  

And then back to bed

All of this leaves me with not much time for me

Trying to be a good wife

A mother

A daughter

And friend

The university degree I once started once

May never turn out to be in the end

When I go shopping late at night on my own

In Kmart I walk the isles

Pink dresses and red patent shoes tug at my heart and tell of secret desires

To braid her hair and talk about boys

Put some femininity in the mix

To mould her gently to a fine young girl

 Whist teaching my boys a gentle twist

Cooking days and make up nights

Pink fingers and toes nails

A life so far from my current story

It seems a fairy tale

Don’t get me wrong

I am the luckiest woman in the world

4 strapping lads to love

A broken budgets that seems will never be repaired

And a fridge that on shopping days bring more delight than one can talk of

Endless washing and dishes to be dried

The floor needs vacuuming again

The day does not end till mid night at times

And I wake to start it all again

We banter and yell

 We heckle and hiss

But this big old house of boys brings my life bliss

Who would want more

Than what I’ve got

“Me some times, is that a miss”

In a screaming mess of tears

I find some one to talk too

My arousal levels set so high

I can barely breath myself though

These kids are driving me in sane

My god my teen

Will my reasoning ever come to me again?

In response my council quietly replies…

Don’t worry your job is through

He is 13 now

He sacked you a year ago

Hand him over to his stepfather now

To mould him as he grows

If you’re lucky in a few years

He will want you back again

You will be his consultant and an adult friend

This brings even bigger tears to my eyes

Oh heck how do you ever win?

You give it all

The best you’ve got

And you lose them in the end

It seems hardly fair

When I sacrifice it all

To be old and have to start again

I am sure it would be a good 20 years or more

I would have been putting it all off for the love of them

I guess that’s when the mysterious next phase will come

When I meet the light at the tunnels end

Romantic weekends

And no more casks wine

It will be Bollinger and France in the spring

A life for our selves

Money in the bank

And time to do as we wish

Seems really great but with all that space

I would have so much to miss

The giggles and laughs

The tears of joy

And the bloody mess

It comes down to one thing

I love my job

I am a mum

And this I do this the best

Sharing with a stranger

On the weekend I went to Melbourne with 2 of my children and my husband.  It was a really a nice weekend, in-spite of the fact the football was heart breaking.  It was Rushed as usual, expensive but enjoyable and it makes me feel like we are the lucky ones.

I had made a comment to my husband that we saw far less homeless people this trip than usual, I put that down to the colder weather or perhaps there is some new agency housing all the homeless, but I hazard a guess it was the first option.

We encountered a sad lady who obviously had mental health problems, ranting through the Mc Donald’s windows at people and had no idea of the spectacle she was making of her self… Sadly people just don’t understand this is not her fault and laughing and pointing does not help her, I growled at my son who was about to make fun of her and prompted him to try and sit in her shoes.

On my walk around the centre of the city I came across a girl who had her bed laid out, (which actually looked very snug) but I imagine on a cold night it would barely suffice, she was dirty and she could not make eye contact with people as they walked by.  I stared for a little to long, as something just hit the bottom of my stomach, she had a sign that said “I am homeless please help” and there sat next to the sign a little tray of cheap rings that she was selling. 

I kept looking for a while and just saw people aimlessly walking past her and it never seemed to bother them, they just kept their head up and kept walking, every now and then someone would drop her a coin and keep going.

I walked past 2 or 3 times before I had the courage to stop and talk to her and it was a gift to me that I did, when I bent down and spoke to her, I could see past the dirty clothes and dirty face and saw two very beautiful eyes and sitting beside her was a tiny little dog, that she stroked with great affection. 

As I walked away from her I could not help but feel over whelmed with emotion and tears just streamed down my face, because all I could think was, “but for the grace of god their go I”… with out thinking of this in a religious sentiment, it really is true, some people are truly just a victim of circumstance and end up in the worst place, some times by bad decision's and sometimes through no fault of their own.

But the true thing that touched my heart about this girl was that she too was someone’s daughter, it could be very easy for that to be one of my children one day, sitting and begging for help, god forbid.  It just made me wonder what defining events drew her to take this lonely and dangerous life.   She obviously loved her dog and he looked better fed than she did, with his little coat made out of the same knitted blanket that she had.

I don’t believe in feeling sorry for people, I don’t believe in fixing things for others and I don’t believe in making excuses for people who make bad decisions, but looking at this girl made me see, we are all floored and we are all only a couple of bad decisions away from being in the same position as she was.  It really made me so thankful for my holiday, so thankful I can afford to give my children experiences and a full life that is not just the bare minimum and that I can stay at home and adore my two youngest boys while they are young.  The life of our children is precious and loving them is the best gift you can give them.  Everything else is insignificant, because in the end our self worth is what defines the person we can be and what we will expect for ourselves. 

My husband works really hard at his job and provides us with a life style that is so easy compared to some people, don’t get me wrong we too could just spend all we have every week and have nothing, but good choices about what we do with our money keeps us warm at night and well fed.  It strikes me that even being able to make those choices, what may seem easy to me, is not so easy for others.  

As parents we have an obligation to teach our kids how to budget, how to feed themselves healthily, how to not be to proud to ask for help when it is needed and how to feel empathy for those who have less than us and give when you can… Not only to help others but to feel good about yourself.

So again no “whilst I am loving my family” , I am going to look out side of my world and say, do the best you can in life and have the courage to be a friend to someone that may scare you, there could be a hidden blessing  for you “whilst you are take time out to share with a stranger”.

Sibling Rivalry

I have a very dear friend who dropped in the other day, out of the blue… why was this so special? she live on the other side of the country.

We watched our 3.5-year-olds play… It was really great, because although she has not been gone for a long time, it was enough time to realize how our babies were growing, as before she left they would play in the same room but not together, they were totally inseparable this time and it was dreamy…

As the coffees were being drunken and we were laughing about life, I was watching their younger son, who I think is a little over one,  he wanted to join in…well It was not taken well and a fight broke loose between the two sibling… My friend asked me to write a blog about how to control fighting sibling…

SO HERE I AM…

Now this is where I need to leave a short space free so everyone can send me some advice…

My kids fight continuously; I chose to look at this as a sign of love, like a schoolboy who picks on a girl he likes.  I may have my head stuck in the sand but if I played referee constantly, I would never get any house work done... well less than I currently do anyway.

The three main things are:

NO BULLYING… sibling rivalry is one thing, but name calling and personal attacks are not fair for anyone, god knows we get enough of it in the out side world so home should be safe.  (this does not mean it does not happen in our house, but it is not left un noticed)

BE RESPONSIBLE… if you are the older sibling and what you are doing  will hurt or be unsafe, you are at fault and should be punished… if you are younger sibling and continually decide to play with someone you know is going to do things to hurt you then you are at fault and wont get any sympathy. 

BE CONSISTENT… if the rule is don’t call your brother a Ranga, then don’t let him do it some times and then not others… if the rule is no double bouncing on the trampoline when your younger brother is screaming for his life, then no double bouncing…  inconsistency is the mischievous spirit that breeds excuses for bad behavior in the home.  If kids know the rules, they know the out comes, so there for  cant sook for being in trouble, so are ultimately are in control of their own outcomes.

It is easy to micro manage kids lives, I have friends who’s kids are scared to go into the play ground at school because their parents monitor and watch everything they do to protect and keep them safe (a good thing in moderation)… The fact is, we all need to learn how to stand up for ourselves and how to make choices about our own safety and the people we should and should not play with… Home is the first place we learn these virtues.

I by no means have perfect kids, I spend a fair chunk of my day yelling, there is a lot of time with kids in their bedroom for bad behavior and I too will put my hand up for using the TV as a baby sitter on way too many occasions…

But for all my faults, I have reasonably secure kids, kids who know how to size up risk and if they are willing to take it, then they know there is always a  follow through reaction, be it good or bad… now don’t get me wrong, there will always be people who don’t like my kids, (we all know what that is like, when you don’t take to your friends kids) BUT  as a whole, they are confident to try new things, stand up for themselves in the play ground and usually pick relatively decent friends.

So my thought is that watching your kids every move, fixing their every fight, doing their homework, making excuses, writing a note so they don't have to do PE, all the things we do to make their life easier ( I am not immune from any of these things)… It does not make a role model child. 

Kid's learn how to be responsible for their own actions in our homes… So lets build a future with bright happy confident people and take a step back like Marlin finally did in Nemo… Although he was scared to let Nemo get hurt, he dis empowered him by not letting him take the risks he needed, too be able to learn where his inner strengths lay.  When Marlon finally let go, Nemo was able to reach his full potential and Marlon could be proud of the choices Nemo made based on judgment not fear.

Editing Life!

TO My best friend who endlessly listens to me whine at her, I love her dearly for it…

My thoughts for today are about patience.

We have had our house on the market now for 12 months or more, I feel so frustrated and like I am stuck on hold.  There are a few other things that hinge on the sale of our house and I just feel a bit like I am stuck in a stale mate.  

I tend to live in the future and need to try and live for the now, this is so damb hard, we have just had some bad news of one of my husbands cousins and he is quite sick and although I don’t know him, it brings it back to reality that life is so short.  LIVE FOR THE NOW…

The reality is, that if our house had sold any time in the last year, I am not ready to move anyway, so I truly believe there is a power greater than myself saying “Deanie you don’t need to control this, I will make it happen for you in the right time”, could the last year of my life have been a bit more productive, rather than feeling like I have no control, I could of used the time to feel calm about my present.

When I let it go perhaps it will happen… A new friend said to me yesterday, “write it down and let it go and see what comes of it”…I pondered on that all night, I really don’t know how to let things go, controlling my environment and future is so second nature to me, the art of letting things go is just not really in my character.

I have spent this year trying to find what my soul wants to do with life.  I want life to be REALLY simple.  Cut out all of the expense, glamour, show off, decipher friends that are not friends and really live a life that is simple and full of substance.  My only problem is that as a result of the life I have already built, I have to slowly make the changes and when I am an all or nothing person, this slow transformation is just about killing me….

learning in my in between times that Life has it way not me, no matter how hard I try to make something happen, unless my higher power wills it, it just isn’t going to happen and when I see the snippet of values and the person I want to be, I need to hold onto them and feed them, using my energies to make me the person I want to be for now, not waiting for the future.

Share with my children that buying cars and houses although they are important parts of life are secondary to living … and if I put these things first it can impede or complicate my ability to live now. 

The thought that has stuck in my head all day is “Just because I can, does not mean I should”.

My number 1 boy asked me the other day, "why don’t you have an iphone and why do you chose to keep buying outdated technology and look like a goof"…after having a chuckle to myself, I reminded him that although I could have one if it was meaningful to me, phones hold no meaning to me, so I would rather spend my money on something that brings me substance.

I don’t really think he understood, until I said to him that an iphone would pay for a heck of a lot of his school fees… he then understood. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that people who drive nice cars and have iphones have no substance, because I know a lot of beautiful people who work hard and who have great cars and lovely phones and it add’s value to their life, I am speaking only for myself and what adds value to my life.  Remembering my values will not suit any of my readers they only suite me.

So my quest in this  “in between time” is…

To edit the things in my life that don’t bring me joy

To enhance and protect the thing those that do

And…try to live the experience I see for my future today, to the best of my ability….

Whilst I am loving my family

I can hear in the background my 2 years old, 3.5 years old and the dog having their own version of cricket… the simple things are often the best

How much space will provide comfort!

I heard a quote not so long ago that said, “I don’t look forward to more space, I look forward to needing less,” this touched me.  Currently my family and I are down sizing, we are converting our shed up at our second property into a humble LITTLE home.

We currently live in a roughly 35 sq, tall ceiling home with 4 bedrooms, 2 lounge rooms, formal dinning and rumpus room… oh and did I forget a big pool… Your probably thinking   “ is she crazy”… When my husband and I brought this house we thought it was going to be the home that we stayed in our whole lives, have a big family with lots of space and room to move.

Don’t get me wrong, our house is lovely, it has served us well and will serve a new owner well… It has brought us great memories of living in a great street, we have shared our neibours children and they have shared ours, the school is walking distance and the walls speak many of stories of nerf wars in the big rooms, hide and seek in the dark and many pool parties that were noisy and boozy…

We do intend on building a new house on our block, but not for quite some time.  We don’t know if we are going to have another child or if we will wait till we retire and build when kids leave home.  But we know that it is where we want to be for quite some time.  But our needs for today will be different to our need for tomorrow.

Our shed conversion is small, all council approved and legit… but small… the 4 boys will share and room and play space and we will only have 1 lounge room.  For us this will be a big change, but one I am yearning for… We are joining the Tiny Home trend.  We can’t fit in a “genuine” tiny home but for us, it is tiny.

Our reason for this life style choice is space.  As my children grow, it would be easy to grow further apart, so my hope is it will draw us closer together when we are united by close walls, financially we estimate to cut our out goings by at least a 3^rd and finally at least ½ our house does not get used. It is a wasted space for us, but another family who will use the space should and use it well.

4 Boys in one room, what am I thinking…I have come up with a design that will share space but give each person their own little nook, this I believe will teach my children the importance of boundaries and how to live with others harmoniously, BAHAHAHA I laughed as I typed that, so I thought I should let you know that I do genuinely hope this, but realize there a strong possibility that it wont work.  I hope it does not turn out a disaster,  but if I don’t try I will never know.

My dream at this current time is to waste less money on power and rates and have more money to go on family holidays.  We can rent a Mc Mansion for a weekend if we like, or as my friend does, go on a holiday in a caravan that will make our tiny home feel bigger when we return.

How much stuff do we really need to fill us up, currently we are spread over such a massive space and use barely use any of it, I have a utensil for everything, this makes a lot of washing up, I have a good lounge and a play lounge, this makes for a lot of vacuuming, I have a spare guest room, it gets slept in for about a week a year, so heating it is basically pointless.

I am not saying life will be beer and skittles with the 6 of us and perhaps 7 if we go for our little Ruby.  But I feel good about the prospect of living a greener life that is less wasteful and getting out side more with the kids, rather than pushing them into the back room of the house thinking they need more time on their own.

I will post again 6 months after we have live in our shed, I will of either A.  Already have the plans for the Mc Mansion being built or will have settled into our new little life.  The kids are all on board with the dream, my husband is eager and I am daily orchestrating what it will take for the massive change. 

We have planted our orchard, planning our gardens and have a little hobby farm with goats, alpaca and sheep… with lambs on the way, this is a far cry from the life style I ever thought I wanted, but as I get older and life gets more complex, I seem to have a desire to find quieter things to softly fulfil  my passage through life.

Our current lifestyle is one where children are entertained by TV, X Box,  psp and phones, I want to teach my children that simplicity is an important virtue and hope the hills they cart down and trees they climb in, on weekends now,  will bring a new daily life that that  brings them fond memories as an adult and also a bit of Vitamin D in their technology "off" time.

We have our critics don’t worry and I really hope we prove them wrong.   We are not doing what the conventional big family do, by up sizing to fit us all in, but I feel really good about it, like we are making a conscious decision about our future and heading in a direction that will help us to achieve it.  I dream of holidays that will give us experiences that our big house currently does not provide us, only time will tell how it pans out “but I am definitely loving my big family”.